Improvement will make this a finer piece of work.

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 22:13:59 GMT

I'm only using this because my easyjournal is temporarily down. So I thought my problems were minimized when I got into NYU. It didn't feel right though. Something was absent from my life and it was like this was a quick fix. I'm back to smoking heavily again and that depression is starting to seep through. I can only stay high for so many hours before it dies down and so do my spirits.
I'm not going to have any money for college. None. Possibly the 3,000 a yr I'm getting as an outside source but that is it. My financial award letters have been loaded with loans. Loans that take years to pay back. I will sturggle and for what? I'm tired now, imagine how I'm going to feel in a year and a half when I can't keep up with the work. I am to hard on myself already. I'm going to have to bust my ass to barely get an average grade in college.
This for once is real. Making a huge decision like this is going to be something I will wake up to for the next 15 years. That is alot of time to live with what you have done and to live wiht yourself. Thats why I don't mind being alone sometimes. I was once afraid of being alone because I didn't want to be alone wiht my thoughts and my depression. My anxiety and my fears. My insecurity and my anger. I have embraced all of these and have no problem being alone with self. Self is there when I lie down at night thinking about everything that has happened. Self is in the shower with me as I stand half awake washing away the film that developed th enight before.
I want to know where I am going, and fast. Every morning at around 6:15 I wake up to the same alarm clock. I stumble to get clean underwear and deodarant and close the bathroom door. Click. I shower and just stand there exhausted. I don't want to go to school. By the time I exit it's 6:30 and then I have to brush my fucking teeth, clean the tub out and the sink. Then if the weather is bad, or it snowed the night before I have to start the car. Then get dressed while watching MTV video wakeup and VH1 morning jump off. It is quiet in my home as I force a rehearsed "mornin'" to my dad as he enters the bathroom. Sometimes I pack a lunch and then head to the car.
I drive to school with my mom in the passenger seat. At times she will scream or hit the dashboard If something goes wrong. We pull up beside the school and I walk and look into the sky. I am about to endure six hours of gossip, backstabbing, falseness, sketchiness, rudeness, loudness, betrayal and disgusting worship.
This routine makes me tired and ache for a fresh start. I look ahead and I see mass amounts of debt and poverty. I look behind me and see the bastards who have made my life hard. I lookt o my sides and see textbooks and kiddie worksheets. What am I to do? Does the cycle of bullshit ever end? My life is good, but it can be better. I don't want to scrap anything. I want to improve my friendships that I have. A bunch of them need a lot of work and I depened upon those friendships for clarity and support. I need my friends more than they will ever know.

This is sad. It's what I want to say, but I can't tell if I'm saying this right. Only after I go back and read this will I know. I will know if I sounded bitter, or selfish or cliche. Only after reading and coming to terms with self will I know how much this makes sense.
I have developed coping mechanisms which help me get manage my stress and wha tlittle life I have. I do not agree with all of my life choices or how I handle myself but I can only hope for improvement. Not a reconstruction but an improvement to my life.

When you get a haircut, your improving your self image. Your shaping up something that has gone awry. I need to give my life a haircut. Cut off the loose ends, give it some layers and some depth. Highlight my life with moments of joy and spontaneity.

I want my easyjournal back.

" There is to much confusion.
I will make you feel better.
If it's bitter at the start,
then it's sweeter at the end.
Do you believe in love at first
sight? It's an illusion I don't care.
To much confusion I don't care"

That's what I feel. I have nothing to hide.

I hope I'll make sense in 3 months.

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 01:40:41 GMT

Well look at that..Friends Only!

I just need to converse about some things

Improvement will make this a finer piece of work.